Hair and Farewell My version
by SC10
Summary: What could have happened after Mac and Harm talked in the Admiral's retirement party...
1. Chapter 1

After Hair and Farewell …..

_Mac: Will you always be there??_

_Harm: Yes._

_Mac: The you need to know what the doctor told me._

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After Mac told him all about her endrometriosis and what the doctor had told her about her possibilities of having a child… Harm was speechless.

"So, what do you think?"

Harm couldn't think, he didn't know what to say, how was he supposed to make her feel better when he wasn't feeling any good in that moment…

"Say something." – Mac was getting nervous, usually Harm always had something to say, he always said something to make her feel good… if that was possible in right now. But in there he was, quiet… looking down at their hands.

Finally he talked…

"How can I help you? Can I do something for you?"

"There's nothing you can do. I just have to rest and wait to see how am I recovering." – Mac looked at him - "But thanks."

They sat there in silence for few minutes, till Mac felt a little cold…

"We should go in, it's getting cold here." – Mac stood and started to walk to the door, but noticed that Harm didn't follow her..

"Are you coming?"

"I think I'll stay here for a while. It's a beautiful night." – He was cold too, but right now he had many things in his head, many things to think about.. he couldn't go to that room full of people… not now.

"Ok." – Mac entered the house again leaving Harm sitting in that bench lost in his thoughts. She didn't know how he was feeling, but she knew that it wasn't the right moment to talk.

Few moments later, the admiral who had decide to leave the party early, left the house and noticed someone sitting in the porch.

"Hey, what are you doing here?"

"Thinking." – He smiled at her CO… or ex- CO. – "Are you leaving? The party wasn't that good?"

"No, and don't even say that. If Harriet hears you say that she might feel hurt." - Both man smiled. They knew how much Harriet loved planning all those events and she always did a good job.

"You don't look too good. Never imagined you'd be so sad because of my retirement."

"No, it's not for that."

The admiral looked at him with a questioning look..

"Mmm.. I mean, it's not that I like that you're leaving, or that don't feel bad about it.. it's.." – Harm tried to explain.

"Don't worry. I know I know!" – After all this years he still had the power to make the great Harmon Rabb nervous.

"So, what's bothering you?"

"I just had a bad day."

"Are things with Ms.Grace ok?" – The admiral knew that if Harm had problems, it had to do something with Mattie, since he and Mac seemed to get along well lately.

"Yes. Well… she has reconciliated with her father. And I think she'll move soon to live with him again. Tom has done a great job and it's now capable to take good care of Mattie. " – He was trying to convince himself there, not the admiral. He couldn't understand how Mattie had decided to go back to her old house with her dad instead of being with him.

"No matter what happens she will still be part of your life. Big part of you're life."

"I know, but I was getting used to have her in the next door. It was complicated at first.. living with a teenager.. a GIRL-teenager… I guess, I'll just miss her."

"What you did for her was amazing Harm. And you are going to be a good dad. Just ask for a son! It's probably easier!" – The admiral smiled and even laughed a little, but the man by his side was even sadder now… Mattie moving with her father again couldn't be his only problem.

"That day may never come."

"Why not? You'll find the one, if you haven't found it yet…" – Both knew he was talking about Mac.

"No, I just can think of having children with one woman, and that's… impossible."

"The colonel?" – He knew the answer, but it was time for them to talk man to man about that. When Harm didn't answer..

"C'mon, I'm not your CO anymore." – Harm nodded.

"I have to admit that I feared the day you two would enter my office saying you took your relationship to the next level."

"What would have you done?"

"After yelling at both of you, I would probably made many calls and ask many favours to try to keep both of you under my command."

Harm needed air, after all this years one of the biggest obstacles in their relationship was work… How many times had he told himself that it just couldn't be.. that they worked together. That the admiral will kill them! And now.. he found out that he would have been… happy! And he would have find some solution for them, something to keep them close… like he had done with Bud and Harriet.

"Can I ask you a personal question?" – The admiral finally spoke again.

"Sure."

"What happened in Paraguay?" - The look in Harm face wasn't good, it was like a very painful memories had come to his mind again. "I mean, you seemed so sure of yourself when you left my office. You gave up everything to go to Paraguay to look for her, and I just thought you two would finally get everything right."

"I don't know.. I wish I knew, but I don't know." – Harm was nervous and angry now. He looked desperate.

"Don't worry. I know you'll get through this. You always do."

"No this time." – He left out a snore – "And even if we make things better between us… we will _never_ be more than…"- He breathed. - "…friends, and surely we will _NEVER_ have kids together. " – He closed his eyes, it was even more painful to hear it out loud.

Before the admiral spoke again…

"She had an endrometriosis… she doesn't have many possibilities to have children."

"What? Why I didn't know about that?"

"She just told me, but I guess no one knows about it.."

"I'm sorry." – He didn't know what to say. Harm was clearly affected about that.

"We had a deal you know…" - The admiral decided to be quiet for a while and listen to what Harm needed to get out of his chest.

"We made a deal the day AJ was born.. that if in 5 years neither of us was in a serious relationship.. we'll have a kid… together.."

"AJ's birthday is in few weeks."

"I know, and tonight I talked to her about that… of course I didn't know about the surgery and all.. And then I didn't know what to say to her.. I was shocked. I'm a fool"

"I'm sure Mac knows you didn't mean to push her. And I know you'll be there if she needs anything. Just give her time."

"Yeah, I know. But how am I supposed to make her feel better?"

"All you have to do is being there."

"I can do that."

"Good. Now I'm going, and you should go inside and keep an eye on that marine, make sure she is ok." – Both men stoop up and shacked hands.

"Thanks sir. For everything. It was a pleasure working under your command."

"Thanks to you Harm. I know last year wasn't easy for us, but you are a good man, keep being like this."

They said goodbye and the admiral left to his car and Harm walked in again, joining the party.

First thing he saw when he crossed the door, was Mac smiling and talking with Jen and Harriet. _'God, this was going to be hard.'_

Mac waved at him and few minutes later he was by her side asking is she was ok.

An hour later Mac asked if he could take her home, since she had arrived in a cab, and of course he agreed to take her home immediately.

The drive home was quiet. They didn't want to break the silence. And when they arrived Harm insisted in walking Mac to her door, just to make sure he was ok one last time.

"Call me if you need anything, ok? _ANYTHING_."

"Yes, stop worrying.. I'm ok."

"Good night Mac."

"Good night Harm."

He smiled, turned around and started walking away… away for the woman he desperately loved… away for his dreams… away for the only thing he needed right now..

All he wanted was to hold her and tell her that everything would be all right and heard her telling him the same… But that had to wait.

TBC

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AN: I have another chapter, about how Mac and Harm get along now that he is trying to find other ways to have a child and trying to make her feel better, and she just is mad at him and not feeling too good. Of course not knowing that the fact that she can't have kids have affected him too.. and more than she ever thought… maybe more that it had affected her!

So.. should I post it??? 

_Please review!!! Thanks for reading!_


	2. Chapter 2

**THANK YOU** for all the reviews! It's amazing how just few words can make someone soooo happy.

I'm sorry it took me so long to post the second chapter but I've been very very busy and I wanted to write the whole ff (4 chapters) before posting another chapter… so, here it is!  Enjoy! I'll post the whole story this week.

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"Morning Commander."

"Good morning Harriet." – He gave her a small smile and looked around looking for Mac. "Have you seen the colonel?"

"Yes. She was in her office, but..." - She gave a quick look around. - "... I think she went to get a coffee."

"Thank you." – Harm entered his office, left his jacket and went to the coffee room to find Mac.

"Hey! You are early today, what's wrong?" – She laughed.

"Very funny marine. I want to look at my notes before my client comes."

"How is it going?"

"I think I'm going to win this." – He winked at her. They shared a moment of silence.

"How are you Mac?"

"I'm okay."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

"Really?"

"How many times are you going to ask me that today??"

"Ok, ok, I get the message." – Mac finished her coffee, smiled one more time to Harm and waved at him.

"See you later and good luck."

She started walking to her office when she heard Harm…

"Hey Mac, do you want to have lunch with me?"

"Sure."

"Good."

Harm stayed in the break room few more minutes, he had been looking on the internet many methods of having children, when the traditional way wasn't possible, and he wanted to talk about it with Mac, but he wasn't sure how she was going to react. He just wanted to probe her that it was still possible, that she could still have children. Even if it wasn't with him.

After a long morning Mac was starving, but she was waiting for Harm. He had been acting strangely around her since she told him about her endometriosis. He called every night to see if she needed anything, asked her thousand of times how she was feeling… he even insisted in going with her to her last appointment with the doctor. He was being extremely protective and she was enjoining it. It was so good to noticed that he cared for her… but she was feeling a little pressured.

Then she heard a knock on the door.

"Hey, I'm sorry it took me so long. Are you ready?"

"Yes, I was waiting for you." – She took her jacked and went to meet him in the door. He was leaning in the door frame looking at her with and intensity that wasn't normal. Like he was hiding something.

"What?"

"Nothing. Let's go."

"So, where are you taking me?"

"Not to Beltway burgers if that's what you have in mind."

"You should try it someday."

"But not today."

They shared a nice lunch, in a small place near the JAG headquarters, till Harm decided to talk….

"Hey, I've been reading many articles about endometriosis and well, there are plenty of ways to have children."

"You've what?"

"I've been looking on the internet and someone recommended few books.." – He couldn't explain anything more.

"You told someone about this???"

"Oh, no Mac. I didn't say it was you, I just said it was for a friend."

"Of course of course, and you have SO many female friends!" – She was starting to get nervous and really mad. She couldn't believe that he had told someone about her problems, it was something so private.

"So who knows????" – She crossed her arms waiting for his answer.

"Chegwidden."

"The Admiral???? You told our CO??"

"Well, technically he is not out CO anymore…"

"When?"

"What?"

"When did you tell him?? He has been retired for 2 weeks."

"That doesn't matter Mac, really. He won't tell anyone."

"It matters to me, when Harm?"

"The night of his retirement."

"The night I told you…" – She was really angry, he couldn't keep it to himself more than 5 minutes. – "I can't believe you told someone right after I told you."

"Calm down Mac, we are in a restaurant." – He was trying desperately to calm her and keep his voice low but she had been yelling at him for a while now and people were staring at them..

"Don't worry, not anymore 'cause I'm leaving." – She took her jacket and left as fast as he could. She didn't give him time to follow her since he had to pay.

There he was in the door of the restaurant looking in every possible direction searching for Mac, but he didn't know where she was, so he decided to go back to the JAG office, after all she had to go there at some point.

After almost 2 hours Mac finally arrived to the office. She looked very sad. He didn't remember last time he had seen her like that and it broke his heart.

The moment she saw him staring at her she entered her office and closed to door before Harm could follow her in.

Everyone saw what happened and they knew that a big storm was coming…

He knocked and opened the door.

"Did I say you can come in?"

"Listen Mac, I'm sorry. I know I shouldn't have told anyone." - He closed the door.

"Are you finished?" – He took few steps forward.

"No. I'm not finished."

"Harm I don't want to talk right now. It's not the place neither the moment."

He sat in one of the chairs of her office looking at her. She wasn't so angry anymore, she was just… sad. And he didn't know what was worst.

"I'm sorry Mac. Just don't make a big deal of this, I never thought this would hurt you so much."

"No, you never think."

"No need to be sarcastic."

"Harm this is my problem, this is my life and you have nothing to do with it."

The moment she said the words she regretted them… but she was so angry and hurt that the last thing she thought about was not hurting him. The worst thing was that part of her knew that those words were going to hurt him and she said them anyway.

For a moment Harm just sat there in silence, looking at her, then he got up of the chair and started walking to the door. He opened the door and turned around.

"You are right. It's not my problem."

Then he was gone. She hated him. Now she was feeling bad for him and she was supposed to be the one to be hurt and angry and dissapointed and frustated and... She watched him stand outside her office with his hands on his hips looking at the ceiling. He stayed there few minutes and then looking one more time at her through the blinds he was gone.

Finally she was alone, but then she saw him again… he was coming back. Why????

"You are wrong you know."

"Harm I said I don't want to talk about this."

"It is my problem. And you know why?"

"Harm please…" – The door was still open and everybody was looking at them. The last thing she needed was that the whole JAG team finding out about her problems.

"We had a deal and since that day I haven't pictured myself having children with anybody else. And now…" – He looked down for a second just to return with an even more intense gaze, if that was possible. – "Now that possibility is fading away." - "So excuse me if I'm not sorry for trying to find all the ways to be a father someday. Cause I just want it with you."

With that he through few papers at her desk, turned around, closed the door and got into the elevator, leaving her speechless.

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Review!! Pleaseeeeeeee:)


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